Archive for the ‘Quote Classics’ Category

He couldn’t pour shit from a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

Into speed and finesse? Look no further – try the Viroledan mini bastard sword. Featuring an extended hilt!

A Message from Sir Max Mosely:
People of Britain, today I have won a great victory for your freedoms. Thanks to me, you may all exercise your inalienable right to be whipped in the privacy of your own homes by highly trained prostitutes speaking German.

PISS!

http://www.clarelibrary.ie/eolas/claremuseum/acquisitions/images/13-07-2004_0_medium.jpg

James says:
Longer needles needed for fatter buttocks – study
Reuters – 06:46 PM Monday November 28
Fatter rear ends are causing many drug injections to miss their mark, requiring longer needles to reach buttock muscle, researchers said on Monday. More…

A Message from Sir Max Mosely:
People of Britain, today I have won a great victory for your freedoms. Thanks to me, you may all exercise your inalienable right to be whipped in the privacy of your own homes by highly trained prostitutes speaking German.

EVE Online
Naturally the first place I thought to look was space. Space has everything in it. But EVE Online might be a challenge – its developers themselves admit “women don’t want to be spaceships”. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I could love a woman who didn’t, just a little bit, somewhere deep down, want to be a spaceship.

Doctor, holding a hammer and a wooden spike, to patient: “I’m not taking any chances Mr Something. Your tests indicate that you are one of the undead!”

Another day, another story ‘bigging up’ David Miliband (or ‘Batshit’, as readers of the Devil’s Kitchen will know him). Today it’s the Telegraph, who are reporting that the Tories are setting up a “high-level anti-Miliband unit”, whatever the fuck that means.

Grobnar: Whatever keg a Khelgar drinks, may a Khelgar drink, if a Khelgar does in fact, think?
Khelgar: What?

Hughes was one of the greatest exponents of the fine “art” of sledging. Once during a tour game in South Africa Hughes was bowling to Hansie Cronje . It was an especially flat wicket and Cronje was hitting Hughes for fours and sixes all over the place. After the umpteenth boundary, Hughes headed down the pitch, stood near Cronje, let out a fart and said: “Try hitting that for six.” It was five minutes before the guffawing stopped and play could resume.

Good grief – an enormous handlebar moustache is spotted in the pavilion. Not alone, you understand – it’s attached to someone’s face (in case you were worried Lord’s is overrun with stray moustaches)

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Dragontime – we set FIRE to this place, its still burning with a fierce, unnatural intensity, so we can’t anywhere near it, but we’re sure you’ll love it. Once its cooled down a bit.

Elvesdance, a village set inside a giant fairy ring. A weak kind of magic provides the dwellers with all thier hearts could desire. Embarrasingly, most simply wish for peace, happiness and a long untroubled life!

After Deayton’s sacking, Boris was one of a number of people recruited to introduce the show, and during his first attempt at keeping order and mastering the autocue, he promised Paul Merton a coconut instead of a point. Boris then retracted the offer but Merton insisted on having a coconut. At the end of the show, a stage hand rushed in with a bag of them, giving Boris a chance to say, “Coconuts, from the party that keeps its promises!” He also said that the chances of him becoming leader of the Conservative Party were about as likely as “being locked in a disused fridge”. Paul Merton cheerily told him, “these things do happen.”

Tests are now underway on clearing up MMORPG infestations. Uncyclopedia, the famous Web-based information site, has set up a test laboratory in coordination with the CDC to research how to lure in and destroy anal nerdy rules lawyers from top-10 social networking site Wikipedia.

The danger of older gamers is that they may in fact be old enough to reproduce. “We should note, though,” said Center for Disease Control spokesman John Geary, “that reproduction amongst gamers is only theoretical so far. We’ve seen no evidence that it actually happens in any circumstances we’ve been able to observe.”

“It’s totally understandable that scissors can beat paper, and that rock can beat scissors. However, how the fuck can paper beat rock? It can’t! Is the paper meant to somehow magically ‘wrap around’ the rock hence rendering it immobile? If paper can do this to rock why cant it do it to scissors?! In fact ignore the scissors why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t there sheets of paper wrapping themselves around defenceless students while they attempt to scribble down notes on legal philosophy? Do you know why? Because paper can’t beat ANYTHING! A rock could destroy paper in about 2 seconds.
A wise man once said,
“When playing rock/paper/scissors I always choose rock. Why? Because when some idiot claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in the face with my already rock shaped fist and say, ‘oh sorry…… i thought your paper would protect you, you twat!’ “

“But circumcision and abstinence from pork and wine was disagreeable to Prince Vladimir. ‘Drinking’ said he, ‘is the joy of the Russes. We cannot exist without that pleasure!”

“The most sensational attack was at the considerable factory of Heathcote and Boden, whose guards were overpowered by masked men with blunderbusses”

“The War on Terror relies on the wasp principal: if you’re stung by a wasp (as the US was in 2001) everyone knows that the best thing to do is to follow the wasp back to its nest, get a stick, and start smacking the hell out of the nest until the stripey little fuckers learn their lesson” – David Williams

He is also known for destroying his most hated cars in various ways, including catapulting a Nissan Sunny using a trebuchet, dropping a Porsche 911 onto a caravan and shooting a Chevrolet Corvette with a Gatling gun attached to an airborne helicopter.